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Willie Wonka & the Safety Inspection

Updated: Oct 4, 2021

Health & Safety Inspection Report: Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory

Proprietor: William S. Wonka

Location: A suburb of London

Inspection Report Item: General Operations

Operating Practices Questionable: Upon learning that the proprietor invited several young children and their parents to tour his factory, reports surfaced that many of those children later exited the facility having clearly experienced some sort of trauma. One child was covered in trash while another’s skin appeared to have turned a dark shade of blue. The child shakily claimed she had been “juiced.” When asked to explain the circumstances that led to the perceived abuse, Mr. Wonka laughed and responded, “What children?” He then handed the inspector a chocolate bar while his employees chanted a disturbing song about riddles and puzzles before leading the inspector in the opposite direction.

Inspection Report Item: Glass Elevator

Critical Violation: The elevator in question was reported to have shot out of the top of the factory in clear violation of Elevator Code 1175-386, which stipulates that all elevators remain tethered to the buildings they service. Under no circumstances should elevators have the capacity to become airborne.

Inspection Report Item: Chocolate River

Health Code Violation: The Hazard Analysis Critical Control Points (HACCP) principles were carefully reviewed in relation to the chocolate waterfall and river that inexplicably flowed through the facility. None of the employees near or around the chocolate river wore hairnets or plastic gloves, which is in clear violation of food preparation and sanitation guidelines. There is documented evidence that at least one child has fallen into the river. On the day in question, no attempt was made to decontaminate the chocolate, nor was there any attempt to rescue said child, who was reported to have been vacuumed up a plastic tube. Mr. Wonka has stated that he only recently returned to the country so was not aware of these “new” policies. It is recommended the chocolate river be shut down until he can illustrate his ability to follow District and City health guidelines.

Inspection Report Item: Fizzy Lifting Exhaust Fan

Possible Violation: The presence of the exhaust fan in the Fizzy Lifting drink room seemed appropriate ventilation until it was revealed that a byproduct of drinking the soda caused a person to float toward the fan. Mr. Wonka grudgingly acknowledged the design flaw and has agreed to order a protective screen that will be placed below the fan to prevent accidental decapitation.

Inspection Report Item: Employees

Suspected Human Rights Violation: While not in violation of health and safety codes, Mr. Wonka’s hiring practices are sizeist and possibly racist, though it’s hard to tell for sure under their heavy layers of orange makeup--a mandatory aspect of their uniform. There also seems to be a very narrow height requirement. It should be noted that anyone who has been denied employment by Mr. Wonka due to any of these factors would have a winnable case under the Equal Employment Opportunities Act.

In addition, Mr. Wonka’s treatment of his employees is inhumane. They are unable to leave the factory. He denies them a sense of individualism by referring to them as his “Oompa-Loompas”. One employee, who identified himself as Kevin, indicated he had been abducted from a country road in Whales when he was five, which undermines Mr. Wonka’s narrative that his employees all willingly left an island called “Loompaland” to join him in the factory.

Early Recommendation

Though the review is still in its initial stages, this inspector has suggested to Mr. Wonka that he shut down the factory and begin to address the health and safety violations, which only seem to mount with longer exposure to his working conditions and lack of safety protocols. When handed the initial report and four million pound fine, Mr. Wonka beckoned a young boy who had been observing the inspection to come forward.

“Here you go, Charlie.” Mr. Wonka handed the boy the report. “This is your problem now.”

With a tip of his hat, Mr. Wonka stepped into his glass elevator, bidding both the boy and this inspector adieu.

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