Though it appears that I have already been tried and convicted in the court of public opinion, I have invited you, my parents, to the place of my banishment so that you may weigh and consider the facts related to the alleged incident that resulted in the dual bone break within my dear sister’s leg.
First, and I bring this up with great reluctance, I must call to question the parenting decisions that determined a nine-year-old and seven-year-old could ride their bikes unsupervised for the one-mile trek to and from the grocery store. Perhaps we might blame this on the laissez faire parenting style for which the 80s are most famously known. However, it would be remiss of me to ignore the fact that I, the alleged perpetrator, am a child and in no way do I have the foresight or the dissimulation to premeditate this egregious act.
In addition, my sagacious parents, it seems pertinent to address the details of the incident that led to the break, especially as I do not have visual knowledge of how the leg break occurred. In this, I have been cast as the villain when I was a mere bystander. In fact, due to the natural bike-riding order, wherein I (the nine-year-old) rode first while she (the seven-year-old) followed behind, I am quite baffled as to how a mere fall from her bike would cause such an extreme break—both the tibia and the fibula, based on the opinion of our esteemed emergency room doctor. To the best of my recollection, it would seem that the first indication anything traumatic had transpired was her call for me to stop.
Yes, I did impatiently ask her to get back on her bike so that we could continue our journey to the store. And, yes, I did tell her that the large bump protruding from the front of her shin was “just a lump of skin.” This, I willingly admit. But in no means were my actions the cause of said bump—or what she hysterically identified as her “bone.” Please excuse my skepticism, but the last time I checked, my dear sister is quite lacking in a medical degree or a detailed understanding of the skeletal structure, so her assessment appeared suspect.
Furthermore, it seems expedient that I remind you that I am lacking in first aid training or any training related to emergency situations. So, when I ignored her request that I “go home and tell mom,” it was because I thought knocking on a neighbor’s door might solicit faster results then the long quarter-mile ride back to our abode. Yet again, might I remind you of the questionable parenting style that led to my inability to properly assess the situation. To my credit, and once it was revealed that none of the neighbors appeared to be in residence, I did very quickly ride home and report on the event.
You ask why I didn’t tell you the leg was broken at that time. This, I feel, is an unfair question as, again, I did not have the medical knowledge to come to that conclusion with any certainty. Therefore, I believe my original report—that my sister “had fallen off her bike, she had a bump, and she was crying”--was both honest and exact. That your solution was for me to deliver her some ice, put her on her bike, and send her home is on you. Although, it might be my fault that we only had one piece of ice in the freezer.
This leads me to my final point in relation to the events that caused her to fall off her bike a second time. Might I remind you that she, at age seven, was still fairly new to bike riding, so her ability to return home proved challenging, especially with the one leg dangling to the side. Yet again, I must maintain that I was ten feet behind her when she fell from the bike that second time, which should absolve me of any suspicion related to that second fall. If we’re being honest, my most venerable mother, I suspect it was the sound of your voice imploring her to stop as you drove alongside her that startled her, thereby shattering the extreme concentration she had been exerting to maintain her balance. Again, I was nowhere near her when the second fall transpired, yet you seem to have unfairly ascribed some blame in my direction.
In closing, I believe the evidence speaks for itself. In no way am I responsible for the breaking of my sister’s leg, nor did my personal actions contribute to her second fall. It is nothing like that time when I gave her a hernia.
Because—yeah—that one was totally on me.