Residents of a quiet Milwaukee suburb were treated to an unusual sight this afternoon as a six-foot-tall cat wearing a stovepipe hat was escorted in handcuffs from the home of Mrs. Jeremy L. Wilkinson. Police believe that the human-sized feline had entered the house while Mrs. Wilkinson was off running errands on this wet winter’s day by convincing her two young children that he was a distant uncle on their father’s side. Mrs. Wilkinson maintains they have no such relative.
The children had been left at home unsupervised with no access to technology, which possibly incentivized their decision to allow the cat into the home as they had been sitting and staring out the window for hours prior to the cat’s arrival.
“He kept shouting at us to look at him,” said eight-year-old Sally Wilkinson, who seemed unperturbed by the dangerous encounter. “He said it would be fun!”
“We’d never have let him in if our mom hadn’t confiscated the iPad,” her older brother added while he clutched a goldfish bowl to his chest.
“I warned them!” The goldfish said from inside his bowl. “I told them this behavior was unacceptable while their mother was out!”
Based on these statements, police have surmised that the goldfish had been left in charge of the two children, which sparked the decision to call in Child Protective Services to further explore the dynamics of the family home.
When asked why she deemed it appropriate to leave a goldfish in charge of a ten-year-old and an eight-year-old, Mrs. Wilkinson defended her decision with the assertion that “the goldfish is very responsible! I’m a single mother on limited income. Do you have any idea how much it costs to pay a babysitter these days?”
Police believe this is not the first time that the cat with his signature striped hat has used devious tactics to enter the dwellings of unsupervised children. Having gained egress, he would wreak havoc through the introduction of his accomplices, known only as Thing 1 and Thing 2, whom he would introduce to the children through a “game” he called “Fun-In-A-Box.”
“It wasn’t really a game,” said the elder Wilkinson child. “All they did was make a mess by flying kites in the house. I tried to catch one with my butterfly net, but he ripped right through it.”
While the alleged accomplices flew their kites, the cat used the distraction to fleece the Wilkinson home, carefully stowing Mrs. Wilkinson’s antique emerald earrings and their matching tiara inside his hat while feigning a desire to clean up after the chaotic mess.
“He had this cool machine that had arms coming out of it and could sweep at the same time,” said Sally, who had not been informed of the robbery. “I wish he could stay with us forever!”
“It was alright,” her brother maintained. “But I’d rather have our iPad.”
The cat has been taken in for questioning in relation to a string of burglaries with similar MOs all throughout Milwaukee.
Thing 1 and Thing 2 are still at large.